Your anus is not Uranus.
First of all, Uranus is the seventh planet from our sun and your anus is that opening at the end of your digestive tract, opposite from your mouth. Secondly, Uranus belongs to no one, whereas your anus belongs to you and whomever you might temporarily and consensually entrust it to. Though we could go on, suffice it to say that they don't even have to be pronounced the same, as Uranus can be said two ways. They're not the
Are you loving your anus, or treating it like Uranus?
I recently came across this hilarious video by Superhero Clubhouse. They are "a society of theater artists engaged in making original plays and events about the natural world via a green and collaborative process." Cool, right? (And they're having a benefit party tonight if you can make it!) The video is a promo for their upcoming production URANUS (a play about waste), and highly instructive in detailing anal abuse.
OUCH! If you're working that hard to move those bowels--especially on a regular basis--it might be time to reassess your anal relationship. Let's face it, you both deserve better.
Unlike Uranus, your anus is attached to you. And it might actually be quite talkative if it weren't always being sat on or pushed around. So take a moment to listen in. Is your anus clenched and tense? Reeling from a spicy snack? Feeling...drafty? Anuses get overworked easily, but you can help them to be happy by making sure your poo is healthy. Unlike that constipated feeling of opening a jar of old pickles, when your anus is relaxed, that healthy poo will slide right out.
Try cheering up your anus by adding more fiber to your diet. Vegetables, fruits and whole grains are loaded with roughage that doesn't quite digest, instead joining forces to create a solid poo as it slides through your digestive tract. The other half of that glue, however, is water, which gets reabsorbed from the poo by your intestines and colon in its exodus. So as long as you're commemorating the upcoming World Water Day, make a toast to healthy, hydrated poo! Feel free to eat a carrot-raisin bran muffin while you do.
So here's to eco-theater, end-conscious eating, Uranus and your expressive anus. From me to you, peaceful pooping.
Shawn "The Puru" Shafner